Yesterday was the final day of this school year. Lots of teary goodbyes, most of which I missed due to having to take a sleepy Ulv home. I didn't mind at all. My first couple of years here I howled when the students left, but this year I didn't shed a tear. I like most of the students in my class, and I've had fun with them, but I've been very emotionally detached all year, and a few, one in particular, I dislike so much that the relief of having him gone makes up for the others leaving too.

Also, I'll see most of mine again this autumn, when we'll do some kind of premier screening of the film.

It's been very busy lately. We finished shooting the film on Thursday, after having done several scenes in the couple of hours before lunch. Did have a moment, with five or six of the students who have been most involved, of feeling warm, glowy accomplishment. Would even have brought a bottle of champagne, if not for the fact that a mere sip or two would have made me silly drunk before the teacher's meeting after lunch (and serving alcohol in the classroom at any time, especially pre-lunch, would not have been beneficial to my future career here).

Last night I felt tense more than relieved, mostly to do with the fallout of the row with my boss and the situation that triggered it. It all boils down to one of my colleagues taking over the school website that I've been doing, at it having happened without anybody talking to me about it. I can believe my boss has been led to believe I wouldn't mind very much, but the colleague in question knows very well that I would. I talked to one colleague about it (plus Maria, who's worked here the last few years, mostly in my job while I've been off sick or on maternity leave, and also as principal this year, but who most likely won't be working here this coming year (and that's a shame)), who then talked to another, who talked to another, and now it's becoming a big deal and I'm feeling increasingly crap about the whole thing.

Anyway, today I've fallen asleep a number of times, and napped with Ulv for almost three hours, so feeling much better.


May. 8th, 2009 07:35 pm
Ulv is broom-brooming with a toy car on the floor. Almost bedtime for him. After that I'd very much like to collapse on the couch, watch TV or a film and continue knitting the mittens I started a couple of nights ago, and I might just do that.

Sleepy Ulv, hugging my leg, banging his head on the table and taking forever to react to it. I want to write more about him in this blog than I do in my other one, stop feeling bad about boring people by writing about my child, when really, half the time he's all I even care about.

Have a long to-do list, some of which I ought to get to grips with, instead of film, TV and mittens. The most pressing is a chapter about the film course I teach, for the school jubilee book. This year the school I work at will be 100 years old. I've been here for seven of those, which is starting to feel like a really long time. Judging by how I've felt about it this last year, probably too long. The reason I'm not really contemplating leaving, yet, is all to do with economy. I don't know what else to do, what other job I could have that would pay as well and give me enough time with Ulv and some left over for writing and other things. Here I have long summer holidays and lots of flexibility throughout the school year. I get to work with film and now I even get to make my own films using students as cast and crew. Wildly privileged, in many ways. The downside is the remote location, away from friends, family and all things culture- and shopping-related, and the fact that we're eight teachers + principal and assistant principal, who see each other, day in day out, and after a few years it gets a little dull. Would be different if I saw other people, friends, in my spare time, but I mostly don't, because I have a small child and we live where we live and lately I've just had too much work to do.

The students don't interest me as much, anymore. I grow older and they remain the same age, 18-20+, new faces and names every year, some that I like, some I don't. I used to care to the point where I had sleepless nights worrying about them, which was too much, but now I worryingly little. I've spent nine months with my sixteen current students, we've almost finished shooting a feature film together - MY feature film - they leave in a week and I'm feeling is relief that they're going.

Maybe I'm just too tired. Ulv didn't start sleeping through the night until late February, so it's been a long time (he was born in September 07) without a proper night's sleep, and even now it's a good night if he wakes up at seven rather than five.

Sometimes I think life would be easier if I could be satisfied with doing my job and spend my spare time knitting and reading, watching films and spending times with my little wonder-boy, but I keep insisting on doing more. Writing film articles about a feminist magazine that usually cut them down to ribbons I don't even want my name attached to, making my feature film debut with my students, even if it means working more afternoons and evenings than I want to think about, taking on designing and making the school website and brochure even if I know nothing about design and only have the most rudimentary knowledge of Photoshop and Dreamweaver (though someone else is likely to take over soon, thank God), and now, rewrite a script that is likely to be made, earning me money and a writing credit, but in a genre that is far from my forte - black comedy/satire, and at a time when I should be editing the film I've shot with this year's students, make a website for it and write a script to make with next year's students - all while keeping a looming depression relapse at bay.

Bedtime for little boys.



May 2009

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