I bought myself a bunch of flowers today. Had a bucket full of roses at my local shop (the only shop I don't have to travel by train to get to) and since I'd just had a big row with my boss and felt very bad about a lot of things I decided to cheer myself up with flowers. It's not the worst decision I've made this week. They're a bit ragged already, as they've already spent a few days in said bucket (with me drooling over them every time I came in), but I don't mind.

The downside to going off men would be never getting any flowers, if I'd ever dated men who bought me flowers. Sometimes they did, but usually only after the relationship ended, which took some of the magic out of it. These days my mum buys me flowers sometimes, and occasionally I do it myself. Would do it a lot more often if I had access to more than the odd bunch whenever the local shop gets them in. With a driving license will come more flowers! Just need to actually learn how to drive. Flower motivation.

Row with boss started out being about one thing and then started including a few other things and ended up with both of us (from what I heard from a colleague who talked to him afterwards) wanting to hand in our resignation. Was mostly me going attack, attack, attack, and it wasn't even him I was angry at. Don't think I got my point across at all. What I did get across was that I was hurt, sad and felt like someone (him and another colleague, who I AM angry with) had spat in my face. The good and bad thing about my boss is that he is sensitive and takes things to heart, so I felt intensely bad afterwards. I hate it when I meet a happy person, have a conversation with them, and leave them feeling horrible. Especially someone I like and respect an awful lot. Not sure things will be properly mended either, which is a little too crushing to contemplate right now. I know there will be another argument about the same thing, involving more people, probably tomorrow, and nothing good can come out of it.

And for the second night in a row I'm finding it impossible to sleep, despite having taken a whole sleeping pill. Last night I was too furious, and now I'm too lots of things. None of this is making any sense now, so would be better if I just wrote what's happened, but I haven't the energy. Maybe tomorrow when I have the next installment I'll be able to look at it with some detachment and write something coherent.

Saw the Norwegian horror film Fritt Vilt 2 a couple of nights ago. It's an imaginatively titled sequel to Fritt Vilt. Both are well-made bloody fluff. Not sure if I remember correctly, but the first one seemed to have even more gratuitous killings and the second one fell apart somewhat towards the end. What they both have going for them is good visuals and a very good actress called Ingrid Bolsø Berdal, who's been in quite a few films lately, and keeps impressing me.

Three more days with students, then hopefully I can get around to start working on the script rewrite and re-vamp the film-website for the film I'm making with my students, as it's little more than a placeholder at the moment. Also need to do a fair few other things this summer. Will be mostly work of various kinds, but will make sure that the time I spend with Ulv is my off-time and it will be awesome because he is awesome.

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gjesp

May 2009

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