I bought myself a bunch of flowers today. Had a bucket full of roses at my local shop (the only shop I don't have to travel by train to get to) and since I'd just had a big row with my boss and felt very bad about a lot of things I decided to cheer myself up with flowers. It's not the worst decision I've made this week. They're a bit ragged already, as they've already spent a few days in said bucket (with me drooling over them every time I came in), but I don't mind.

The downside to going off men would be never getting any flowers, if I'd ever dated men who bought me flowers. Sometimes they did, but usually only after the relationship ended, which took some of the magic out of it. These days my mum buys me flowers sometimes, and occasionally I do it myself. Would do it a lot more often if I had access to more than the odd bunch whenever the local shop gets them in. With a driving license will come more flowers! Just need to actually learn how to drive. Flower motivation.

Row with boss started out being about one thing and then started including a few other things and ended up with both of us (from what I heard from a colleague who talked to him afterwards) wanting to hand in our resignation. Was mostly me going attack, attack, attack, and it wasn't even him I was angry at. Don't think I got my point across at all. What I did get across was that I was hurt, sad and felt like someone (him and another colleague, who I AM angry with) had spat in my face. The good and bad thing about my boss is that he is sensitive and takes things to heart, so I felt intensely bad afterwards. I hate it when I meet a happy person, have a conversation with them, and leave them feeling horrible. Especially someone I like and respect an awful lot. Not sure things will be properly mended either, which is a little too crushing to contemplate right now. I know there will be another argument about the same thing, involving more people, probably tomorrow, and nothing good can come out of it.

And for the second night in a row I'm finding it impossible to sleep, despite having taken a whole sleeping pill. Last night I was too furious, and now I'm too lots of things. None of this is making any sense now, so would be better if I just wrote what's happened, but I haven't the energy. Maybe tomorrow when I have the next installment I'll be able to look at it with some detachment and write something coherent.

Saw the Norwegian horror film Fritt Vilt 2 a couple of nights ago. It's an imaginatively titled sequel to Fritt Vilt. Both are well-made bloody fluff. Not sure if I remember correctly, but the first one seemed to have even more gratuitous killings and the second one fell apart somewhat towards the end. What they both have going for them is good visuals and a very good actress called Ingrid Bolsø Berdal, who's been in quite a few films lately, and keeps impressing me.

Three more days with students, then hopefully I can get around to start working on the script rewrite and re-vamp the film-website for the film I'm making with my students, as it's little more than a placeholder at the moment. Also need to do a fair few other things this summer. Will be mostly work of various kinds, but will make sure that the time I spend with Ulv is my off-time and it will be awesome because he is awesome.


May. 8th, 2009 07:35 pm
Ulv is broom-brooming with a toy car on the floor. Almost bedtime for him. After that I'd very much like to collapse on the couch, watch TV or a film and continue knitting the mittens I started a couple of nights ago, and I might just do that.

Sleepy Ulv, hugging my leg, banging his head on the table and taking forever to react to it. I want to write more about him in this blog than I do in my other one, stop feeling bad about boring people by writing about my child, when really, half the time he's all I even care about.

Have a long to-do list, some of which I ought to get to grips with, instead of film, TV and mittens. The most pressing is a chapter about the film course I teach, for the school jubilee book. This year the school I work at will be 100 years old. I've been here for seven of those, which is starting to feel like a really long time. Judging by how I've felt about it this last year, probably too long. The reason I'm not really contemplating leaving, yet, is all to do with economy. I don't know what else to do, what other job I could have that would pay as well and give me enough time with Ulv and some left over for writing and other things. Here I have long summer holidays and lots of flexibility throughout the school year. I get to work with film and now I even get to make my own films using students as cast and crew. Wildly privileged, in many ways. The downside is the remote location, away from friends, family and all things culture- and shopping-related, and the fact that we're eight teachers + principal and assistant principal, who see each other, day in day out, and after a few years it gets a little dull. Would be different if I saw other people, friends, in my spare time, but I mostly don't, because I have a small child and we live where we live and lately I've just had too much work to do.

The students don't interest me as much, anymore. I grow older and they remain the same age, 18-20+, new faces and names every year, some that I like, some I don't. I used to care to the point where I had sleepless nights worrying about them, which was too much, but now I worryingly little. I've spent nine months with my sixteen current students, we've almost finished shooting a feature film together - MY feature film - they leave in a week and I'm feeling is relief that they're going.

Maybe I'm just too tired. Ulv didn't start sleeping through the night until late February, so it's been a long time (he was born in September 07) without a proper night's sleep, and even now it's a good night if he wakes up at seven rather than five.

Sometimes I think life would be easier if I could be satisfied with doing my job and spend my spare time knitting and reading, watching films and spending times with my little wonder-boy, but I keep insisting on doing more. Writing film articles about a feminist magazine that usually cut them down to ribbons I don't even want my name attached to, making my feature film debut with my students, even if it means working more afternoons and evenings than I want to think about, taking on designing and making the school website and brochure even if I know nothing about design and only have the most rudimentary knowledge of Photoshop and Dreamweaver (though someone else is likely to take over soon, thank God), and now, rewrite a script that is likely to be made, earning me money and a writing credit, but in a genre that is far from my forte - black comedy/satire, and at a time when I should be editing the film I've shot with this year's students, make a website for it and write a script to make with next year's students - all while keeping a looming depression relapse at bay.

Bedtime for little boys.



May 2009

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