Not quite sure what we did over the weekend. I've been quite obesessive about the knitting again lately, so been doing a lot of that, while watching the end of ANTM season 12 and other things I can't recall. About halfway through Project Runway season five now, in addition to a few series currently on TV, the most time-consuming being Danish Paradise Hotel, which is on four nights a week.

Anyway. Had lovely weather until today, so took Ulv outside on Sunday, where he babbled happily and played with sticks on the lawn. He's got a bit of a runny nose but otherwise doesn't seem bothered by teeth or anything else at the moment. He's practically stopped throwing his food everywhere (at least the last few days) and has stopped scratching my face. Instead he holds my face in his hands and looks at me, or hugs me. We've practically stopped breast-feeding (once in the last six days, yesterday morning), and he seems to be making up for it by being extra loving and cuddly. On the other hand, he cried when I picked him up in kindergarten both today and yesterday. Yesterday he was busy playing with a toy truck, so I can sort of understand him, and today I heard him crying when I arrived, so not really my fault.

Work-wise I've rewritten the summer letter that goes out to next year's students, done a fair bit of work on the new website for Kerosene (the old one I did in a day or so, and it looks it. This one is a rush job as well, but at least I have photographs now), and have just started getting my head around the script I'm rewriting. The producer contacted me today and I promised a full rewrite by mid June (though allowing for sketchy dialogue). I know they want to submit it for development funding by the end of June so hopefully what I do will be okay for that. Those development funds, if given, will go towards paying me, so need to do a good job.

We leave for Paris on Tuesday, and by then the new Kerosene website must be up and running, the house must be in order and the script must be under way. In addition I must have packed, found our passports, figured out how to get from the airport to the flat we're renting and a number of other minor things.

Not sure how I'll find either time or money for driving lessons in amongst all the other stuff I'm supposed to be doing this summer, not to mention the space in my head for actually learning to drive and all the theory stuff I also need to learn. Blah.

And must mention the obvious, before I sign off, being that the loveliest thing in the world is a warm, heavy, sleeping little boy, and the intense joy it gives me to shift him into place in his bed after he's fallen asleep on top of the duvet again.
My summer holiday started today. We start back up again August 17th, which seems like a world away and yet not long enough.

This week of teachers' meetings after the students left last Friday has been pretty harsh. Started the week feeling like I wanted to go hide somewhere and never return, but things have worked out reasonably well. I feel vindicated somehow, but also relieved that I didn't have to go into full confrontational mode with anyone. Nearly, but not quite.

In he last week I've knitted about a third of a sweater for Ulv, probably for next summer as it's pretty huge and cotton, so not for winter, and about three woolly hats, all children's sizes. Haven't finished any of them (threads to fasten and ear-flap things left to knit) but have started a fourth. I might give some of them away, at least that's the plan, though usually whatever I knit (and plan to give away or sell) ends up on Ulv.

Have an awful lot of work and other stuff to do this summer. Might to a list tomorrow, but for now my brain is shutting down. Relieved not to have to see my colleagues or any students, past or future, for a while. Everything I have to do, or most of it, is things I like to do, and now I can structure my days as I like, in between bringing Ulv to Kindergarten and picking him up again, and in between our other holiday plans.

Sleeping pill taking hold now. Can feel it in my hands, making it harder to write, which also means what I do write will make less and less sense. Time for bed.
Yesterday was the final day of this school year. Lots of teary goodbyes, most of which I missed due to having to take a sleepy Ulv home. I didn't mind at all. My first couple of years here I howled when the students left, but this year I didn't shed a tear. I like most of the students in my class, and I've had fun with them, but I've been very emotionally detached all year, and a few, one in particular, I dislike so much that the relief of having him gone makes up for the others leaving too.

Also, I'll see most of mine again this autumn, when we'll do some kind of premier screening of the film.

It's been very busy lately. We finished shooting the film on Thursday, after having done several scenes in the couple of hours before lunch. Did have a moment, with five or six of the students who have been most involved, of feeling warm, glowy accomplishment. Would even have brought a bottle of champagne, if not for the fact that a mere sip or two would have made me silly drunk before the teacher's meeting after lunch (and serving alcohol in the classroom at any time, especially pre-lunch, would not have been beneficial to my future career here).

Last night I felt tense more than relieved, mostly to do with the fallout of the row with my boss and the situation that triggered it. It all boils down to one of my colleagues taking over the school website that I've been doing, at it having happened without anybody talking to me about it. I can believe my boss has been led to believe I wouldn't mind very much, but the colleague in question knows very well that I would. I talked to one colleague about it (plus Maria, who's worked here the last few years, mostly in my job while I've been off sick or on maternity leave, and also as principal this year, but who most likely won't be working here this coming year (and that's a shame)), who then talked to another, who talked to another, and now it's becoming a big deal and I'm feeling increasingly crap about the whole thing.

Anyway, today I've fallen asleep a number of times, and napped with Ulv for almost three hours, so feeling much better.
I bought myself a bunch of flowers today. Had a bucket full of roses at my local shop (the only shop I don't have to travel by train to get to) and since I'd just had a big row with my boss and felt very bad about a lot of things I decided to cheer myself up with flowers. It's not the worst decision I've made this week. They're a bit ragged already, as they've already spent a few days in said bucket (with me drooling over them every time I came in), but I don't mind.

The downside to going off men would be never getting any flowers, if I'd ever dated men who bought me flowers. Sometimes they did, but usually only after the relationship ended, which took some of the magic out of it. These days my mum buys me flowers sometimes, and occasionally I do it myself. Would do it a lot more often if I had access to more than the odd bunch whenever the local shop gets them in. With a driving license will come more flowers! Just need to actually learn how to drive. Flower motivation.

Row with boss started out being about one thing and then started including a few other things and ended up with both of us (from what I heard from a colleague who talked to him afterwards) wanting to hand in our resignation. Was mostly me going attack, attack, attack, and it wasn't even him I was angry at. Don't think I got my point across at all. What I did get across was that I was hurt, sad and felt like someone (him and another colleague, who I AM angry with) had spat in my face. The good and bad thing about my boss is that he is sensitive and takes things to heart, so I felt intensely bad afterwards. I hate it when I meet a happy person, have a conversation with them, and leave them feeling horrible. Especially someone I like and respect an awful lot. Not sure things will be properly mended either, which is a little too crushing to contemplate right now. I know there will be another argument about the same thing, involving more people, probably tomorrow, and nothing good can come out of it.

And for the second night in a row I'm finding it impossible to sleep, despite having taken a whole sleeping pill. Last night I was too furious, and now I'm too lots of things. None of this is making any sense now, so would be better if I just wrote what's happened, but I haven't the energy. Maybe tomorrow when I have the next installment I'll be able to look at it with some detachment and write something coherent.

Saw the Norwegian horror film Fritt Vilt 2 a couple of nights ago. It's an imaginatively titled sequel to Fritt Vilt. Both are well-made bloody fluff. Not sure if I remember correctly, but the first one seemed to have even more gratuitous killings and the second one fell apart somewhat towards the end. What they both have going for them is good visuals and a very good actress called Ingrid Bolsø Berdal, who's been in quite a few films lately, and keeps impressing me.

Three more days with students, then hopefully I can get around to start working on the script rewrite and re-vamp the film-website for the film I'm making with my students, as it's little more than a placeholder at the moment. Also need to do a fair few other things this summer. Will be mostly work of various kinds, but will make sure that the time I spend with Ulv is my off-time and it will be awesome because he is awesome.
The school spring festival was today. My class showed four short films that were made with no input from me by the students who're not very involved with the feature film project, mostly. I was pleased to see that the suggestion I made for a change in one of them was taken on board and worked well (I would think it works, obviously, otherwise I wouldn't have suggested it). We also showed a teaser one of the students put together for the feature.

This festival is sort of the climax of the school year, and this coming week is more of the denouement, where everyone get to grips with the fact that the school year is over. We still have a fair few scenes left to shoot, but come Friday the kids all leave here and so my cast and crew will be gone and whatever footage we're missing I'm not getting (apart from some pick-up shots I'll probably do myself later on).


May. 8th, 2009 07:35 pm
Ulv is broom-brooming with a toy car on the floor. Almost bedtime for him. After that I'd very much like to collapse on the couch, watch TV or a film and continue knitting the mittens I started a couple of nights ago, and I might just do that.

Sleepy Ulv, hugging my leg, banging his head on the table and taking forever to react to it. I want to write more about him in this blog than I do in my other one, stop feeling bad about boring people by writing about my child, when really, half the time he's all I even care about.

Have a long to-do list, some of which I ought to get to grips with, instead of film, TV and mittens. The most pressing is a chapter about the film course I teach, for the school jubilee book. This year the school I work at will be 100 years old. I've been here for seven of those, which is starting to feel like a really long time. Judging by how I've felt about it this last year, probably too long. The reason I'm not really contemplating leaving, yet, is all to do with economy. I don't know what else to do, what other job I could have that would pay as well and give me enough time with Ulv and some left over for writing and other things. Here I have long summer holidays and lots of flexibility throughout the school year. I get to work with film and now I even get to make my own films using students as cast and crew. Wildly privileged, in many ways. The downside is the remote location, away from friends, family and all things culture- and shopping-related, and the fact that we're eight teachers + principal and assistant principal, who see each other, day in day out, and after a few years it gets a little dull. Would be different if I saw other people, friends, in my spare time, but I mostly don't, because I have a small child and we live where we live and lately I've just had too much work to do.

The students don't interest me as much, anymore. I grow older and they remain the same age, 18-20+, new faces and names every year, some that I like, some I don't. I used to care to the point where I had sleepless nights worrying about them, which was too much, but now I worryingly little. I've spent nine months with my sixteen current students, we've almost finished shooting a feature film together - MY feature film - they leave in a week and I'm feeling is relief that they're going.

Maybe I'm just too tired. Ulv didn't start sleeping through the night until late February, so it's been a long time (he was born in September 07) without a proper night's sleep, and even now it's a good night if he wakes up at seven rather than five.

Sometimes I think life would be easier if I could be satisfied with doing my job and spend my spare time knitting and reading, watching films and spending times with my little wonder-boy, but I keep insisting on doing more. Writing film articles about a feminist magazine that usually cut them down to ribbons I don't even want my name attached to, making my feature film debut with my students, even if it means working more afternoons and evenings than I want to think about, taking on designing and making the school website and brochure even if I know nothing about design and only have the most rudimentary knowledge of Photoshop and Dreamweaver (though someone else is likely to take over soon, thank God), and now, rewrite a script that is likely to be made, earning me money and a writing credit, but in a genre that is far from my forte - black comedy/satire, and at a time when I should be editing the film I've shot with this year's students, make a website for it and write a script to make with next year's students - all while keeping a looming depression relapse at bay.

Bedtime for little boys.



May 2009

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